Day 1 With the Beast Maker

9.27.29 2:30 a.m.

So, I hired a new personal trainer and we start in two hours. Yes, 4:30 in the freaking morning. I’m terrified because she is no joke and I feel so unprepared. You know how you like to clean your house before the cleaners come because you don’t want them to see the total mess you can be? Well, there’s no way to “clean up” being out of shape. I mean, I’ve been exercising at my level, but this woman is beast level and already told me she would drop me if I wasn’t committed. And, she’s making me detox before, during, and after my school’s Homecoming. Y’all pray my strength in the Lord and that I falleth not on my face. Pray she doesn’t knock my pinky toe off that I just broke last week. (Long kinky story) And, pray I can hide the two doughnuts I smashed yesterday out of nervousness and for one last hurrah. Okay 3. 4. Thank you. Amen.

9.27.19 10:00 a.m.

So, I JUST woke up. I feel like I was in a car accident and the car won, but I’m totalled. I don’t know if my pinky toe is ok because I can’t feel any of them. Everything started off great. Met the Beast Maker at the gym with all smiles. She is everything I want my booty and belly to be in a much shorter package, so I was excited that she was about to get me right together.

She started me off slowly on some machine I’ve never seen before that curves like a smile and only moves with your motion. (Got all kinds of ideas for that one, but I digress.) All I was doing was walking, but I was feeling like I was doing big things. Got my stride and everything. Maybe I was a little too confident because this was just the warm-up, and when we moved to the next thing, the steep decline began.

She gave this whole talk about how our body is the best tool to use and all we would be doing was adding weights. Cool. I got this. I lift babies and pounds of their junk everyday. Baaaaaby. She had me doing squats with weights. Lunges with weights. Pull on some resistance bands, squat, and do a kickstand all together with weights. And, this is where I’m ashamed to say the doughnuts, veggie burger, and fries (did I tell y’all about the burger and fries late last night?) all came back to haunt me. Mid pull, squat, kick, it felt like the room was spinning and there were two of them. I sat down and a new phenomenon trickled down my brow. I think y’all call it sweat, but I rarely feel that outside of certain practices so I’m not sure. She was speaking, but it no longer made sense. She sounded like the Charlie Brown’s teacher. Something about some other weighty move.

Just then, my insides tried to make a break for it and leapt up my throat. I barely made it to the locker room before all of my final indulgences from yesterday bolted back out of me. This was a body betrayal. All of the fries, the veggie burger, and the 1, 2, 3, 4 doughnuts all came back up and out. They were not nearly as delicious in this form. I don’t know how long I was in there, but I heard old people offering to call my mother and the sounds of their walkers going back and forth to check on me.

When I finally emerged, the Beast Maker was out there making one of those Chrissy Teigen faces. She was kind and gracious enough to consider this session a wash and send me home with a pass and stiff instructions to follow for a reset to start again. I limped out and crashed on my couch I presume, and here I am just waking up to my children having a field day and numb feet. This was not a good showing, but I will be ready next time, as soon as I can walk again. Drop me an encouraging comment to help me through the next session. There will be a next session. Amen.